Love’s Lost & Found
This dream of a trip is coming to an end and I’m feeling a twinge of sadness the root cause of which is hard to identify. Is it because I’m leaving a country I have so long dreamed of visiting and living in and I’m feeling as though I barely had a chance to explore it yet, or is it because the past however many consecutive days spent with him have been with such ease and enjoyment that the next few days will be spent filling the void of his non-presence?
I’ve been trying to understand and identify what it is about this particular relationship that feels already so different than my previous ones, and also what my particular role is here in his life. I’m also trying to get a better understanding of myself, my insecurities and demons from a place of maturity and rationality, which is not something that had been afforded to me in earlier years.
Laying next to him in the darkness of our hotel room this morning, curtains drawn with just a slither of light slipping through so that I could just make out the contours of his well-structured face, I felt.
Happiness, love, sadness, forever, fear, loss, permanence, impermanence, past, present and future, nostalgia, hope, optimism and vulnerability.
All at once.
As I watched his perfectly formed chest raise with each breath and press deeper into my right cheek, feeling his cerulean eyes shift back and forth from watching me, to the ceiling, to its natural resting state, I couldn’t help but get caught in a hyper loop of what ifs and existentialist questions on love, lust, balance and life’s lessons.
How our paths should cross now and why.
Many people come and go in our lives, but those who we become involved with romantically for however long or short always leave some sort of a footprint on our identities and our lives. It changes us, for better or for worse, and we’re never the same person coming out of it as when we went in.
We’ll fall in love numerous times, as I already have, and we will fall out of love hopefully a few times less.
Love is not scarce, it is not rare. It’s probably the single most available resource we have.
I’ve loved and been loved without inhibition. I’ve loved with my eyes, my heart, my mind, my mouth, my lips, my lower lips, my soul, my fingers and my toes. I’ve been loved with fiery passion, thrown myself into the pits of hell and then saw the Gates of Heaven. I’ve loved for seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years. And I’ve been loved back at a rate of exchange and interest that was more than a good return on investment for me. I’ve loved and been loved up and down the jagged and scenic coast of California, to Oregon, Washington and back. I’ve loved and been loved without borders, across multiple cities, countries and continents.
Love is abundant, and that has more than been the case in my life.
